We’ve all probably heard that communication is important, but that doesn’t make it easy to do. Most of us don’t know how to talk through a conflict, or how to express ourselves without starting one. We have trouble being emotionally vulnerable and non-defensive, and we may not be very good at listening. In this article I’m going to discuss some of the reasons why we struggle with these things and explain how you can work on your communication ability in order to have more authentic, cooperative, and fulfilling relationships, whether it be with friends, family members, or romantic partners.
In order to become excellent communicators, we need to make an intentional effort to develop ourselves. Not only do we need to learn certain concepts and language, we also have to work through emotional and psychological issues that make communication more difficult. Our job isn’t just to figure out the right things to say, it’s actually to grow as people.
Our communication will be facilitated by our self-awareness and a healthy relationship with our emotions. We have to understand and accept our feelings in order to communicate about them. As I’ll discuss in more detail later, the most helpful communication in personal relationships is usually clear, direct, statements about one’s own feelings. When we simply state what we feel, we are sharing our immediate, authentic experience, as opposed to our interpretations, judgements, and detached observations. This is more likely to create understanding and connection, and less likely to generate arguments based upon opposing positions.
However, most of us have a lot of difficulty allowing ourselves to feel our emotions, let alone share them openly. Usually this is because of the experience we had growing up. We likely didn’t come from a family or culture where our emotions were valued and respected, and in which others expressed their feelings in an open and healthy way. From a young age, most of us had to develop ways of rejecting and avoiding our emotions in order to survive and fit in. As adults, the emotional wounding or trauma that we experienced in childhood continues to shape the way we relate to ourselves and others, interfering with our ability to engage in feelings-based, authentic communication.
As children we needed to feel physically and emotionally safe, loved, seen and valued for who we are. When these needs were not adequately met, we survived by disconnecting from ourselves and shutting down our feelings. These early experiences also left us with many distorted beliefs about ourselves and others, which interfere with our ability to be emotionally open. For example, we may have learned to think that if we are authentic, others will reject us. Or that others’ feelings are more important than our own.
Furthermore, as a result of emotional wounds or trauma, strong, unprocessed feelings may be lingering below the surface and can easily be triggered by interpersonal conflict. In our roles as parents, friends, or romantic partners, we can easily get caught in automatic reactions that involve harmful communication and counter-productive behavior. This is the underlying reason why communication is so difficult and the dynamics of our relationships are affected in a negative way.
The solution to this situation is developing self-awareness and curiosity about the meaning of our feelings. We have to explore the particular challenges we have to acknowledging our feelings, asking for what we want, listening to others, and staying present and open when there is a disagreement. We have to learn what happens inside of us when we become overwhelmed, shut down, or combative in our interactions, so we can work with these reactions and not simply be taken over by them. Mindful awareness of our emotions helps us move beyond automatic fight or flight instincts. The more we understand ourselves, the more we can be intentional in our communication and express ourselves in productive ways, rather than through defensive reactions.
So far I’ve been discussing the underlying reasons why communication is challenging, and my view of the inner work that we all need to do in order to have connected, authentic, and fulfilling relationships. In the second part of this article, I will get more deeply into what good communication actually entails and offer practical suggestions and concepts that you can use in your interactions.
