Communication is essential for healthy relationships, but most of us haven’t learned how to communicate well. Usually, we repeat patterns that we adopted from our family of origin, and that we developed unconsciously throughout our life in order to protect ourselves emotionally. Whatever the communication patterns that we ended up with, they likely limit our potential for having authentic and connected relationships, whether with friends, family members, or romantic partners. In this article, I’m going to explain how we can improve our communication, and have more fulfilling relationships, by developing ourselves and our awareness.
Becoming an excellent communicator requires intentional effort. Not only do we need to learn about how to communicate, but we have to address personal emotional and psychological issues that get in our way. Good communication is facilitated by increasing our self-awareness and connection with our authentic self.
Most of us grew up in a family and culture in which our feelings were not valued or respected, and in which others didn’t express their feelings in a healthy way. Therefore, from a young age, we had to develop ways of managing our inner experience in order to survive and fit in. We developed ways of disconnecting from ourselves, patterns of rejecting and avoid our feelings, which continue to shape the way we relate to ourselves and others. As adults, most of us have difficulty being present with emotions, which interferes with our ability to engage in feelings-based, authentic communication.
In close relationships, it’s important to be able to make clear, direct statements about one’s own feelings. When we simply state what we feel, we are sharing our immediate, authentic experience, as opposed to our interpretations, judgements, and detached observations. This creates connection with others and helps relationships be more real. Talking about one’s own experience is also less likely to generate defensiveness from others, or lead to arguments based upon opposing positions.
However, if we can’t recognize and accept our feelings, we obviously can’t communicate about them, and we will probably also reject others’ feelings. If we feel compelled to avoid our emotions, we try to control our interactions to prevent them from coming to the surface. Unprocessed emotional pain and trauma keeps us shut down and disconnected from ourselves and others.
Furthermore, strong feelings from our past can also lead to intense reactions, making communication contentious and harmful. When these feelings are triggered during interactions with kids, co-workers, friends, or romantic partners, we may find ourselves reacting automatically, in exaggerated and counter-productive ways.
The solution to these automatic reactions, and to the disconnection from ourselves, is the development of self-awareness. We must work to understand our real feelings, instead of avoiding them. We need to discover the curiosity and courage to explore what is going on inside of us, and what prevents us from acknowledging our feelings, asking for what we want, listening to others, and staying present and open during conflict. When we become overwhelmed or shut down, we need the ability to work with these reactions and not simply be taken over by them.
Mindful self-awareness helps us move beyond automatic fight or flight instincts and into conscious expression of our real selves. The more we understand about the meaning of our emotions and behavior, the more we can be intentional in our communication and express our true feelings in thoughtful ways, rather than getting caught in defensive reactions.
The work that I’m describing isn’t easy, and may best be done with the support of a therapist. However, people who are committed to personal growth can also provide valuable support for each other in the process of developing self-awareness and practicing authentic communication together.
In the next part of this article, I will get into how to communicate, and offer practical suggestions to improve your interactions.
