Communication is essential for healthy relationships, but most of us don’t do it very well. Usually, our communication is limited by whatever patterns we’ve developed for protecting ourselves emotionally, some of which were passed down from our family of origin. This inhibits the connection we can experience with others, whether with friends, family members, or romantic partners. Becoming an excellent communicator requires inner work. More fundamental than learning techniques for communicating better is addressing the personal emotional and psychological issues that get in our way. That will be the focus of this article.
Most of us grew up in a family and culture in which our feelings were not valued or respected, and in which others didn’t express their feelings in a healthy way. Furthermore, as children, we probably had some experiences that were emotionally overwhelming. Therefore, in order to survive, we developed ways of managing our feelings that caused us to became disconnected from ourselves. Now, as adults, most of us have difficulty being present with emotions, which limits our ability to communicate.
Authentic communication, especially in close relationships, requires expressing one’s own feelings, in clear and direct ways. When we simply state what we feel, we are sharing our immediate, personal experience, as opposed to our interpretations, judgements, and detached observations. This vulnerability helps to create connection and decrease conflict with others.
However, because we can’t recognize and accept our feelings, we can’t communicate about them, and we may also have difficulty being open to other people’s feelings. Our need to avoid unprocessed emotional pain keeps us disconnected from ourselves and others.
Furthermore, when feelings from our past do surface because of some triggering event or interaction, it can lead to intense reactions, making communication more difficult and conflictual under the influence of unprocessed past emotion. When unconscious feelings come out towards our kids, co-workers, friends, or romantic partners, we may find ourselves overreacting in counter-productive ways.
The solution to all of this, and the key to improving our communication, is the development of more self-awareness. We must work to understand our real feelings, instead of avoiding them. We need the curiosity and courage to explore what is going on inside of us; to understand what prevents us from acknowledging our feelings, asking for what we want, listening to others, and staying present and open during conflict. When we become overwhelmed or shut down, we need the ability to work with these reactions and not simply be taken over by them.
Self-awareness helps us move beyond automatic fight or flight instincts and into conscious communication. The more we understand ourselves, the more capacity we have to speak intentionally and articulate our true feelings, rather than getting caught in defensive reactions.
The personal growth that I’m describing may be greatly assisted by the support of a therapist. However, couples, families, and friends can also help each other by practicing authentic communication together.
Now that I have briefly discussed the importance of personal development in laying the groundwork for good communication, I will get into more practical suggestions for improved communication in my next article.
