Good communication is essential for many kinds of relationships and situations, but it can be a challenge for nearly everyone. In my therapy practice, I have worked with many couples, families, and individuals on communication issues. This has often involved helping my clients develop reflective listening skills that promote empathy and reduce conflict. I also show them how to talk about their feelings, using non-blaming language, while still being assertive and direct. However, I see improving communication as being about something more fundamental than learning what to say: developing self-awareness. Communication breaks down because we don’t understand our feelings, or know how to handle them, and we react impulsively in destructive ways. Successful communication requires us to be able to recognize what we are feeling and to choose how we engage with others, rather than reacting automatically.
The lack of self awareness that limits communication usually has roots in childhood experience. Most of us grew up in a family and culture in which emotional vulnerability was not nurtured, or not even safe. We probably learned to minimize or hide certain feelings. Furthermore, painful or overwhelming experiences likely caused us to shut down our sensitivity in order to protect ourselves. It was difficult for us to remain authentic and to develop a healthy relationship with our feelings. Instead, we developed patterns of disconnecting from what is happening inside of us.
We therefore have difficulty being in contact with our real feelings, let alone expressing them openly to others. Instead of being present with ourselves and transparent with others, we interact through protective patterns that are somewhat automatic and that limit our vulnerability.
The key to improving our communication, and the quality of our relationships, lies in developing our relationship with ourselves, so that we can communicate effectively from a place of authenticity and self-awareness. We must work to understand our feelings, instead of avoiding them. We need to recognize our relational patterns so that they don’t automatically control us. When we inevitably become reactive, overwhelmed, or shut down during an interaction, we need the capacity to mindfully observe what’s happening so that we can choose how to respond to the situation.
The more we cultivate our awareness, the more we can move beyond automatic fight or flight instincts and into conscious communication. Instead of impulsively reacting out of fear, shame, or anger, we learn to recognize deeper truths about what we are feeling. We learn to communicate about our personal experience, instead of blaming others. When it’s safe to do, we show vulnerability. We develop the capacity to listen non-defensively, and to stop engaging in cycles of attacking and defending.
We do need to learn certain skills and concepts in order to communicate more effectively. However, more fundamentally, we need to develop greater contact with our authentic inner experience, as a basis for interacting with the world around us. We need to do our own work to understand our feelings and heal ourselves, in order to communicate better with others.
