Good communication is essential for relationships; it allows us to resolve conflicts, set boundaries, express our feelings, and understand each other. Without it, we won’t get our needs met, and we will likely get stuck in patterns of conflict and disconnection, as many couples will readily attest.
I have worked on communication issues with many therapy clients, including couples, families, and individuals. I have introduced them to concepts such as reflective listening and feelings-based communication, and helped them learn how to express their emotions in productive ways. However, as useful as these things are, I’ve also explained that communicating well ultimately depends on our individual personal development. We need the capacity to recognize what we are really feeling and to express ourselves in an intentional way.
A lack of self-awareness lies at the root of most people’s difficulty with communication. Most of us grew up in a family and culture that was not accepting of emotions, in which emotional vulnerability was not safe, so we became disconnected from our feelings. We probably also had interactions as children that were painful or overwhelming, which caused us to shut down in order to protect ourselves. These formative experiences disconnected us from ourselves and created patterns of avoiding our emotions, thus limiting our awareness of what is happening inside of us.
As a result, we have difficulty recognizing and accepting our real feelings, let alone expressing them openly. If we can’t understand our emotional reactions or recognize our emotional needs, we simply default to engaging in whatever patterns we have developed to protect ourselves, and deal with our feelings in automatic and unproductive ways. We are likely to overreact during conflicts because we are carrying unprocessed emotions from our past that we don’t understand.
The key to improving our communication, and our relationships generally, is the development of our relationship with ourselves. Our capacity to recognize and communicate about our authentic experience is made possible by self-awareness. We must work towards understanding our feelings, instead of avoiding them. We need to recognize our defensive patterns that keep us disconnected from ourselves, which limit our authentic communication. When we inevitably become reactive, overwhelmed, or shut down during a conflict, we need the capacity to mindfully observe what’s happening so that we can choose how to respond.
The more we cultivate our awareness, the more we can move beyond automatic fight or flight instincts and into conscious communication. We then have the possibility to speak vulnerably about our true feelings and to listen non-defensively to others. We can stop blaming others or arguing about who is right. We can use communication to reveal our own experience, as opposed to our interpretations, judgements, and detached observations. This expression of our authentic feelings is what creates meaningful connection and peaceful, fulfilling relationships.
