Good communication is essential for relationships. Without it, we probably won’t get our needs met, and can easily get stuck in patterns of conflict and disconnection, as many couples will readily attest.
I have worked on communication issues with many therapy clients, including couples, families, and individuals. I usually introduce them to concepts such as reflective listening and feelings-based communication, and help them learn how to take responsibility for their emotions, rather than blaming others. However, I also explain that our capacity to communicate ultimately depends on our personal development, more than any particular concept or technique. Our self-awareness is what allows us to recognize what we are really feeling and to express it in an intentional way.
A lack of self-awareness generally lies at the root of our difficulty with communication. Most of us grew up in a family and culture that was not accepting of our feelings, in which emotional vulnerability was not safe, and certain aspects of ourselves were rejected. We also had interactions as children that were painful or overwhelming, which caused us to shut down in order to protect ourselves. These formative experiences established patterns of avoiding and rejecting our emotions, and disconnecting from what is happening inside of us.
As a result, we have difficulty recognizing and accepting our real feelings, let alone expressing them openly. Because we can’t be present with ourselves or open with others, we automatically engage in whatever patterns we have developed to protect ourselves from our feelings and to avoid vulnerability. We are likely to overreact during conflicts because we are carrying unprocessed emotions from our past that we don’t understand and are afraid to address.
The key to improving our communication, and our relationships generally, is the development of our relationship with ourselves. Our capacity to recognize and communicate about our authentic experience is made possible by self-awareness. We must work to understand our feelings, instead of avoiding them. We need to recognize our defensive patterns that keep us disconnected from ourselves and others. When we inevitably become reactive, overwhelmed, or shut down during a conflict, we need the capacity to mindfully observe what’s happening so that we can choose how to respond.
The more we cultivate our awareness, the more we can move beyond automatic fight or flight instincts and into conscious communication. Instead of reacting, we’re able to share our true feelings in an intentional way. We learn to communicate about our personal experience, creating connection with others, rather than generating defensiveness and disconnection by giving our interpretations, judgements, and detached observations. We develop the capacity to listen non-defensively, stop blaming, and stop arguing about who is right. This open, authentic communication, which is the basis for meaningful connection and loving relationships, is facilitated by self-awareness.
