Imagine that some mean, judgmental person followed you around all the time, putting you down and accusing you of screwing up. From the time you woke up in the morning, until you went to sleep at night, they would be there pointing out your supposed mistakes and flaws. To make matters worse, let’s assume that you believed everything that they said about you. How do you think this would affect the way that you see yourself, and how you live your life?
This situation is obviously far-fetched, but I want you to consider that it may not be that different from what is actually happening in your own head. Like the judgmental person in my scenario, your inner critic is probably a significant part of your daily experience, and you likely believe whatever it says.
Although its form varies, nearly all of us have an inner critic, a judgmental part of our mind which tells us that we are bad and wrong. It originates in childhood, as we learn to control our behavior, adapt ourselves to social norms, and form beliefs about what is right and wrong. Based upon interactions with our parents and other inputs from our environment, we develop an inner authority figure, a part of us that exerts control over our thoughts, feelings, and actions by making us feel shame and guilt. Sigmund Freud, the founder of modern psychology, referred to this regulating mental force as the “superego.”
It’s necessary to develop this inner regulation, although, unfortunately, it usually has a quality of self-rejection. As children we are vulnerable and completely dependent on others, so we automatically adapt ourselves to the world around us in order to try to get our emotional and physical needs met. Based upon our interactions with caretakers – usually our parents – we form beliefs about how we should and shouldn’t be. Generally, we learn to view parts of ourselves that receive a negative response as bad, and those that receive a positive response as good. For example, if a parent doesn’t like our emotions, we’ll come to believe that our feelings are bad. This is automatic because we need to seek our parent’s love.
So in response to how we are treated, which reflects the psychological/emotional state of our parents, we develop particular expectations for how we have to be. We take on a variety of limiting beliefs, e,g, we shouldn’t cry, we shouldn’t have certain feelings, we shouldn’t need anything, we have to make other people happy, we should always feel positively about our parents, etc. In addition to the many direct and indirect messages that we receive from our family, we also incorporate ideas about how we should be from churches, teachers, peers, and society as a whole.
The superego, or what I’m calling the inner critic, is the internal mechanism for enforcing these expectations. It judges us harshly in order to keep us in line, punishing us with critical messages if we don’t live up to its demands for how we are supposed to be. If we grow up with controlling or critical parents, our inner critic becomes especially powerful. If we experience abuse or neglect, our critic blames us because that’s how it believes it can protect us.
As we grow into independent adults, the inner critic loses its utility, but its role doesn’t diminish. It’s entrenched in our personality and it still believes that it’s essential for our functioning. We continue listening to its judgements about us, relying on it to make decisions, and working to meet its expectations.
If we undertake therapy or some other inner work, the critic usually acts as a significant barrier to our progress. Because it tells us what we should think and feel, it interferes with the exploration of ourselves in an open way. Because it has beliefs about how we are supposed to be, it limits our personal growth and keeps us stuck in familiar patterns. For example, if it thinks we need to be small and deferential, it will use shame to try to prevent us from feeling powerful. If it thinks we are supposed to maintain an appearance of strength, it will try to stop us from showing vulnerability, calling us weak or pathetic if we try to be more authentic.
We can’t reach our potential unless we liberate ourselves from the inner critic’s control. The first step is recognizing that it is a harmful force that is interfering with our life. Usually, we are not conscious of the critic; its comments just seem like our own thoughts, which we assume to be true and helpful. We need to see that the critic is a distinct part of our mind which is making hostile attacks on us and preventing us from being ourselves.
This awareness can be developed by paying careful attention to our inner dialogue, perhaps keeping a log of our self-judgements for some period of time. If we observe the critic objectively, we’ll see how much it limits us by making us feel inadequate and wrong, and filling us with self-doubt. It’s always telling us that there is some other way that we have to be, in order to be good enough. The critic tries to make us “better” by making us feel bad about who we are, because it thinks that is helpful to us.
However, it doesn’t really know what we need; it can’t be a source of truth, or a valid guide for our life, because its simplistic, judgmental perspective is rooted in self-blame and distorted childhood beliefs. In fact, when we listen to the critic, it keeps us unconsciously believing that we are powerless children, afraid of displeasing our parents. We don’t recognize that we are sophisticated adults, capable of facing our challenges and making our own decisions, without being shamed or put down.
When we see this situation clearly, we can stop identifying with the inner critic, taking it be the voice of our true selves. Instead of allowing it to undermine us with its judgements, we can find the determination to fight back against the critic and stop giving it power. If we develop a fierce commitment to protecting ourselves, and become vigilant about stopping critical attacks on us, we can reclaim our lives and the freedom to be ourselves.
